halpyourself

March 3, 2005

In these times of insecurity and uncertainty, President Bush’s sense of humor is unwavering. Below is an excerpt from the transcript of Bush’s speech in Brussels

"And finally, this notion that the United States is getting ready to attack Iran is simply ridiculous. Having said that, all options are on the table. (LAUGHTER)"

Although I wasn’t able to make it to Brussels, this left me in stitches. Thank you, President Bush, for showing the terrorists that they will lose the war on terror, and the war on humor.

March 2005

Buon Apetito Father. Recovering from his recent tracheotomy Pope John Paul had a breakfast which has sparked the new fad "Pope diet." It consists of:

1) coffee with milk
2) yogurt
3) 10 small cookies.

Speaking of tracheotomies, I don’t know about all of you, but I miss hearing the Pope’s voice. Luckily we can read his voice in his new book Memory and Identity.

This is what God’s rep said about the Holocaust and abortion:

"There is still, however a legal extermination of human beings who have been conceived but not yet born. And this time we are talking about an extermination which has been allowed by nothing less than democratically elected parliaments where one normally hears appeals for the civil progress of society and all humanity."

Some uptight people from Germany’s Central Council of Jews called the Pope’s comparison "unacceptable."� Before they get their yarmulkes in a bunch, let us take a moment to remember how great the Vatican was during the holocaust. It’s nice to know that the Vatican is so vocal in its opposition to this holocaust, just as it was during the first holocaust.

But seriously folks, I should not be ripping on The Pope. He really inspires people and teaches them valuable lessons. Michell Garza, 25, a university student, who says she "put [her]self into to debt" to fly to Italy from Texas to see the Pope explains: "The pope is showing us how important it is to live until you die."

While the Liberal Press gets its panties in a bunch about how much irrelevant countries like Russia, and Old school France and Germany disagree with American foreign policy, time and time again, history has shown us the direct correlation between the performance of the U.S. President and the Slovakian Prime Minister’s opinion of the U.S. President.

The New York Times headline Amid a Lukewarm Europe, Bush finds a fan in Slovakia should come as no surprise. It turns out that Slovakia’s Prime Minister Mikulas Dzurinda is a huge fan of President Bush: "I like Bush. You know why? Because he told me he doesn’t like to write, but he likes to speak to people, and I am the same." That’s not all that Dzurinda likes about W. The two men have a lot in common: "We share some experiences. He has two daughters: I have two daughters. The older is 20, the younger is 17. You can imagine." We certainly can Prime Minister Dzurinda, we certainly can.

It was really heart "wrmyn" to see Lynrd Skynrd perform at the Grammys. Even without the confederate flag billowing behind them, the band is still able to bring tears to my eyes.

The only thing better than J Lo and Mark Anthony’s Telenovela role play was the Tsunami relief version of the beadles’ "Across the Universe." Bono, Steve Wonder, Brian Wilson, Nora Jones, Alicia Keys, and Allison Krause were among the musicians who came together in support of Tsunami victims. B/c the people who lived through Tsunami understand better than anyone else that "nothing’s gonna change [their] world."

Alicia Keys and Bono get props for staying on key instead of trying to gain musical immortality by changing the melody and singing an atonal interpretative version of the song. And I tip my hat to Scott Weiland because, well, I’ve missed him. But Steven Tyler stole the show. No I’m not talking about his singing or his rich cherry oak highlights. I’m talking about his morroca playing. Stephen could have played the morrocas like everyone else does, holding 1 in each hand. But Steven
knew better. He knew the Tsunami victims needed that extra support and aid. And so, he played 4 morrocas. And he held 2 in each hand.

I salute you Steven. And more importantly, the Tsunami victims, along with the entire "unchanged world" across the universe, thank and salute you.

http://www.gawker.com/news/media/new-york-magazine/looking-at-the-look-book-027648.php

http://www.gawker.com/news/media/new-york-magazine/looking-at-the-look-book-027648.php

Looking At The Look Book

Katie Halper, stand-up comedian/documentary film maker

How would you help Ciara – if, that is, you think she needs help – without interfering with her personal style?

First, I would help Ciara by reassuring her it’s OK, in fact, totally normal, to find Gramsci’s Prison Notebooks difficult. He was, after all, writing in code, and I’m not just talking about Italian (I mean to prevent the prison authorities from understanding). I would make sure that she had read Marx or else there’s no hope for understanding Gramsci. I can’t imagine a global studies/ international relations students could graduate without reading Marx, but these days you just never know, do you?

I would also give Ciara some crime fighting tips. When walking in the concrete jungle that is New York (and not Connecticut):

A) DO NOT, I repeat, DO NOT wear Marc Jacobs, Prada, Anthropologie,
Ted Baker. Even if they are bought at “consignment store[s]” or are presents, I don’t care. And, more importantly, neither does the mugger. All we see is the style, which spells muggable for the mugger and danger for Ciara.

B) Whatever you do, do not open your mouth. Nothing reeks of vulnerability more than a “pretty strong” Manchester accent combined with a U.S. liberal arts school affect.

Ciara talks about being cheeky at Sarah Lawrence. What sort of “cheeky” things do you imagine she did?

Although she didn’t study IR as an undergraduate, she definitely got some cheeky hands on experience in “international relations.” Ciara is not ashamed to admit that she definitely explored her bi-curious side while at Sarah Lawrence. She learned the valuable lesson that labels are for jars and realized she didn’t believe in anything you can find on a map. Although she claims there were parties where people “go…practically naked” Ciara attended some totally naked parties, although she preferred body painting parties. But now, she prefers Prada.

Ciara got mugged two weeks ago. If you were a mugger, what would you steal from Ciara?

If I were a mugger I would definitely go for the Nars lipstick first because from past mugging experience, I would know how “completely bare” my victim would feel. It would totally violate her. I think that one of the few fundamental truths that everyone in our society agrees on, from the down and out criminal, to the cheeky fashionista, is that a for the modern woman her Scarlet Empress is “the one thing” she “need[s] and love[s].” It’s like the timeless question about a tree falling without anyone hearing it. If a woman has her Scarlet Empress stolen, is she still a woman?

Ciara didn’t really answer the “how do you describe your look?” question. So…how would YOU describe her look?

Contrary to popular belief, Ciara is quite butch and totally high-maintenance.